So tonight was the first night that things really started to fall into place. I probably won’t see Alex or Lindsey until Christmas break (or next summer if I have that job over winter break), and this was also the last time I would see the Iowa and ND kids. I really don’t know what to say, I know it wasn’t that hard on me because the people in that group that I continue to be close with and truly treasure will still be here for a while longer (and I have plans with). What hit me hardest was Kessia, yea I know we are gonna spend a night together next week and that she’ll be here until I leave. It’s hard to lighten my grip on her, I guess because I’ve seen her grow up these last years and helped her long the way when I could.
Thinking about the reason it’s so hard on me is because I know she has grown so much, but I’m not totally sure if she realizes that yet. I remember back when we first starting talking and she had no idea what was going on in her life. It was all a blur and seemed to be leaving her behind, clutching and hanging on to what happened to her. Now she is looking for what is ahead and starting to see what it is she wants to do and become. I’m so proud of her that words really can’t describe it. Tonight she was having a hard time with finally realizing that some people were leaving and I walked her out to make sure she was doing ok and gave her a big hug and told her everything would be ok, that I wasn’t leaving her even if I was at college (truth is I could never leave her, not sure why, just something about her). I closed the door on her car as I told her not to worry, that I would take care of her like I always had and she smiled and drove away.
As I walked back to his house I caught tears in my eyes that I had been fighting off so she wouldn’t see me cry. It took me a minute to realize why they were there, not like I’m never going to see her again and that we aren’t going to talk every week. Then I realized why, she had done it, if she realized it or not. When she first confided in me I doubt she had ever though about today, about what she would be doing her senior year of high school and now she is living it and looking to the future. The future that she was so terrified of just a short time ago. I know tonight was rough on her because she felt like she was loosing some of her support group but she stood strong, if she realized it or not. Tonight when I saw her thinking about her friends moving to college her eyes told a different story then those I had seen in the past, she was figuring out what she needed to do in the future, not just what she needed to do to hang on. The hardest part now for me is to start letting go of that part of our relationship, the part where I lead her around and helped keep her safe, because she’s ready for what life can throw at her.
Thank you for all you’ve done for me kessia. It’s more then you’d ever know
Take care and God bless,
~paul